The song I Knew You Were
Trouble by Taylor Swift promotes some troubling ideas. Here is the link to the
song with the lyrics on YouTube:
There are two issues that I found
bothered me when I was listing to this song. First that it is the girls fault
when a guy treats her like crap and second that women always want the bad boy
that treats them like crap and is not able to stay away.
The premise of the song is that the
guy that broke her heart and cheated on her was someone she knew was trouble
from the moment he walked in and therefore it is her fault that he did treat
her terrible and cheated on her because she should have known better. Now I do
not want to negate the fact that there is some responsibility to being honest
with what the person you are starting a relationship is like, but that does not
mean it becomes your responsibility or shame when you are treated badly. I
think that this is a very problematic view in our society. How many times when
a man cheats on a woman that somehow it comes up that she was not pleasing him
sexually. So therefore it is her fault that he cheated on her. Guess what? It
is always the fault of the person who cheated. No matter what the problems are
in the relationship, whether they are sexual or other issues, the person that
cheated made that choice and needs to be responsible. This kind of logic is not
that far away from the mentalities associated with rape that blame the woman
when they are raped that they must have done something that made the man rape
them. No, they did not make someone force themselves on them. That does not
even make any actual sense, but somehow seems to come up in our world again and
again. The song literally comes out and says the blame is on me. Why would the
blame be on the woman? That is where our society is the most comfortable
putting the blame. It must have been her fault somehow. There are men out there
that do not want or are not mature enough to really be in a committed
relationship, but somehow the fault is on the woman that is treated badly and
cheated on. That is really so wrong in so many different ways. There are definitely
women out there that have the same kind of mentalities, but I do not think I
have ever heard of the man in the relationship being blamed for their choices.
It is very one sided in our society and that is so not okay. A good majority of
people have had at least one toxic relationship in their life where they had
some idea when they met the person that it probably was not something they
should pursue, but did anyway. That does not mean that they are to blame for
what the other person in the relationship chose to do. Yes we all need to be
smart about who we get into relationships with, but it never makes us
responsible for the other person’s actions.
The other idea that this mentality leads to is that it is your fault if
your significant other abuses you. If it is your fault they treat you badly in
other ways, how far away is it to get to this thought? Not really that far of a
leap. There are an alarming number of women that defend their abusers and take
the blame for being abused. They did something wrong or they forgot something
they were supposed to do and it will be all okay as long as they make sure it
does not happen again. That is terrible and starting down that path by saying
you are responsible for knowing how a person will treat you from the moment you
meet them is ridiculous.
The
other problematic part of this song is the fascination with the bad boy that
she is unable to resist. Sure all of us have fallen for that person that we
know we should not have, but why is it such a huge part of our culture for the bad
boy to be so appealing. One line of the song says, “I guess you didn’t care and
I guess I liked that”. Why would you like it that someone didn’t care? That
does not make any logical sense, but by observing people in our society there
is some truth to that for more than just Taylor Swift. Women seem to be drawn
to the bad boy. Is it because they want to be treated badly? What does that say
about how women view themselves? It almost seems like they are saying they are
not worth the effort to be treated well and therefore seek out toxic
relationships because that is what they are worth. Is it the appeal of
reforming the bad boy? If so how often does that really work out? Again you cannot
chose what choices other people will make, if someone wants to start being a
better person, the only one that can make that happen is themselves. Do women
need validation that keeping a bad boy that no one says they will keep could
possibly give them? I think it all boils down to self-image issues. Women feel bad
about themselves so they do not feel like they deserve to be treated right and
society finds ways to enforce those negative issues at every turn. Look at the
models that are supposedly the ideal image that women are supposed to aspire
to. It is literally impossible for most of the women in the world to look like
models.
Now
I do have to say that there is one thing that redeemed this song a little in my
eyes and that was the music video:
It
starts and ends with a voiceover. Right before the song starts she says “I think
the worst part of it all wasn’t losing him, it was losing me.” That shows that
she understands that she lost her own identity and got pulled in by him. She
wants herself back. I think that is one of the most powerful messages that we
can give to girls and women. Know who you are and do not let anyone take that
away from you. She got eclipsed by the power of the relationship and felt like
she lost herself. Most people have experienced this at one point in their lives.
It is a powerful thing, but it is never healthy. You cannot lose yourself and
be in a productive relationship. Some aspects of our society lend themselves to
women losing themselves in their relationship and defining themselves by
whatever relationship they are or are not in at that point in their life. Why
is your marital status an important part of identifying who you are? Yes it is
a huge part of your life, but not who you are. Men are always Mr. no matter
their age or marital status. Women have Miss for when they are a little girl,
Mrs. if they are married and Ms. If they don’t fit either of those categories.
Women are set up to lose themselves in their relationship status and that is
something that contributes to so many women seeking out toxic relationships as
they are trying to figure out how to keep their identity and still find a
relationship that makes them happy.
This
song shows a dangerous thought that is alive and well in our society that women
are to blame when they are treated badly in relationships, either because they
should have known better as it is stated in this song, or because they are
doing something wrong. Relationships are the responsibility of both people in
it and the person that makes the mistakes or treats the other person badly is
the one to blame for those mistakes.
